But
This past year my life has been fast, so fast sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and think- Where did the day go, the weeks, the months? I hope that time will slow down some and I can take a deep breath and truly appreciate all that I have been given and lost in the last year and a half. What I do know is I have learned some valuable lessons along the way. In the past year- I got married, we bought a house, we got a new car, we bought a new washer and dryer (this one really freaked me out- what an adult purchase- I cried all the way home.), and oh yeah there's that really big thing- we had a baby. Our life motto became: Go Big or Go Home, we squeezed a lot of life into this year and I wouldn't change it for anything because the life lessons were too valuable to give up.
Here are some of the most valuable life lessons I have learned this year:
Life Lesson 1: Money is Money- either you can afford it or you can't and either you have it or you don't. I've learned a lot about budgets, loans, joint checking accounts, and the insane cost of diapers but I've also learned that there are other things that money can't buy- love, companionship, friendship, and family. There are things you can't afford, but you make sacrifices and you give up some of your fun money- you didn't really need to get a pedicure every month you just liked too. With grown-up costs come the realization that you have enough to make it and be truly happy because you can provide for your family and that's really the point of it all isn't it? It's no longer about wants it's about needs and boy do you need a LOT of diapers!
Life Lesson 2: Love and Loss- This might have been the most fulfilling and yet heartbreaking lesson I learned in the last year. Life is a precarious thing- always on the cusp of rebirth or death. Nothing can prepare you for the birth of a child and nothing can prepare you for the loss of a child. Ben and I had a miscarriage before we were blessed with our beautiful baby boy. Nothing can ever prepare you for the words, "I'm so sorry but this is not a viable pregnancy." The words themselves are harsh and unfeeling because even if it wasn't a viable pregnancy- it was a baby to you from the moment you found out- this baby was living inside you and although it seemed impossible you loved them from the day you found out. It's heartbreaking and you aren't sure how you're ever going to recover. I just remember Ben saying to me over and over again that we were not going to let this define us, we weren't going to let it become who we were as individuals and as a couple and I clung to that until it got a little better a day at a time, until I felt like a whole person again. I will never forget about that pregnancy- it will always be a part of who I am- but it didn't define me and it didn't define us as a couple. We walked out of the grief together as a stronger and more loving unit and that was a gift for us. From our loss we gained a deeper and more compassionate love. A gift that I think made us better people and better together and I will always be grateful for that.
From our loss we gained love. Isaac David Fehr was born on December 30th- he too, much like our motto, made a big entrance. 3 weeks early but happy and healthy and all we could ever ask for. From Isaac, I have learned that love can have depths I never knew about. It's amazing how instantly and completely you can love someone and how protective you are and how helpless they are. There are days when looking at him fills my heart so full of love it hurts. From my child, I learned what it means to love someone more than you love yourself. I learned that there are people in this world you would give your own life for and be completely okay with that.
Most importantly I learned that love is the greatest thing in the world and if you are lucky to be loved, give love, and have love you are fortunate and so very blessed.
Life Lesson 3: Thank your Mom for giving birth to you and keeping you alive. I never fully appreciated my mother until I became a mother. Giving Birth is HARD- especially if you have an unplanned, we need to let the epidural run out, natural birth. Ouch is all I can say and that ouch is what you did to your mother. Call her today and tell her you love her, send her some flowers- it's a small thing but one that will make her day because seriously she pushed you out of a small hole- it HURTS and it traumatized her for a short period of time (side note- 3 months later and I'm still traumatized and pretty sure Isaac is going to be an only child.) The first six weeks of your life are the hardest, most exhausting, and blurry for your parents. You're lucky your mom or dad remembered to feed you and you're still alive- you should be eternally grateful. Your parents brought you into this world and kept you alive- make them proud, be someone they will be proud to call their own. Most importantly though: Thank your Mom.
Life Lesson 4: Learn to say you're sorry and mean it. In the middle of the night when you're exhausted and haven't slept in what feels like years- you become a mean person. You say things to each other that are not nice, you think things that are not nice, you do things that are not nice. Own up to your mistakes and be the first to apologize. The only person that gets what you're going through is the one that is going through it with you- don't alienate them- try to be kind to them and if you're not APOLOGIZE.
Life Lesson 5: Always cover your babies "stuff" when you're changing his diaper- your baby will thank you, your walls will thank you, your clothes will thank you, your carpet will thank you, and your growing laundry pile will thank you. Enough Said.
Life Lesson 6: Life is Messy, Life is Hard, Life is Complicated, but Life is Good and I have everything I could ever want or need and I am happy- so happy it's ridiculous. In that happiness, I need to remember that it is not my place to brag or make others feel bad- but to be there for them in all their happiness and sadness. The world does not and has never revolved around me.
Who knows what the next year will bring me. I hope it slows down a little but I have learned so very much about myself and about life in the last year and I have become a better person because of it.
Life is Good. I am complete. I am loved.
GO BIG OR GO HOME.
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“Where there is love there is life.”
― Mahatma Gandhi
