Believe

I have a secret- a big one- a little one- a silly one- one you might already know about me  but it's a secret nonetheless- the kind that eats at you, whispers haunting words to you, and keeps you up at night.

Are you ready for it...I am ashamed of how I look and how I feel about myself. I had a beautiful baby 16 months ago and there are days when I look in the mirror and I think to myself- you still look pregnant but in a gooey, stretched marked, blob-like way. I am ashamed of my body and I hate looking at myself. I carried a baby for 37 weeks- let him grow and stretch- into the boundless happy ball of energy he is today and he is so worth the stretch marks and the weight gain- and he fills my heart up again and again every day to the tipping point. No, I wouldn't give him up, or the 6 weeks of bedrest, or the dislocated hip during delivery, or the hard and emotional first pregnancy after a miscarriage- but if I could trade in my body for a newer sleeker model I would. In a heartbeat.

Every time I see a picture of myself or catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror I cringe. I stand in my closet every night and want to cry as I am picking clothes out for the next day- this tiny section is what fits- that large section over there- used to fit. I refuse to be in pictures with my kid because of how I look and if I do take a picture- I analyze and analyze and criticize until the unkind words in my head have done their damage- snaked their way through my brain and into my heart. Failure-Failure-Failure it seems to say and I believe every shattering beat of my heart. I have become the master at avoiding eye contact in the mirror and getting out of being in pictures.

I listened to countless women say the pounds will just fall off if you're breastfeeding or I ate whatever I wanted and still lost it all- and I waited and waited for that to happen but it didn't. You see all these celebrities that have a baby and the next week look like they've never been pregnant- breastfeeding they'll tell you. Maybe I didn't breastfeed right- I'll just add that to my list of failures- some people are just super lucky and have a body type that lends itself to snapping right back (boy I envy you). I wanted to be that girl- but I wasn't- I'm not- I'll never be that girl.

So now here I am ashamed of myself and the way I look. The self hate was getting atrocious- bad enough that even I had to stop and ask myself- is it too much? I never let my third graders talk to each other or about themselves in the way I was doing to myself. Why was it ok for me to say those things to myself about myself?

Maybe it's time we all started being a little more honest- I bet if I had millions of dollars, a personal chef, an on-call trainer I would have looked like I never carried a baby- and I wouldn't tell the world it was all due to breastfeeding because I think that breeds unrealistic expectations. I'd be honest- "Hey you know what, I had a lot of help. I had someone to watch my kid so I could work with a trainer everyday and this amazing chef preparing healthy meals for me. I didn't do it alone."  But I'm a working mom- that feels tremendous guilt that I take my kid to daycare so I can work 8 hours- and now I'm going to take 45 more minutes just to myself to go to the gym.  But that's an excuse too- isn't it? An easy way out from doing the work- a one way ticket to blob world. I could eat better, give up soda, and exercise more- I let my kid be my out- and I let the inner voices keep winding their way through me.

Until I had enough- until I decided I was worth it- until I decided that I believed in myself. I set goals, made a plan, joined a boot camp, found someone to help watch my kid, found a way to involve my kid, and I am actively trying to sooth, unwind, and silence that mean inner voice that whispers to me. You see, I don't want to look back one day, and realize I didn't take pictures with my husband or my son to help remember our life together. I want my son to understand positive body image and being in charge or your body and your inner dialogue. The change has to start with me. The change will start with me. I'm taking control this summer and regaining my self-confidence. But I'll need help, there will be days I want to quit, days when the whispers of my inner voice taunt and pull at me, and I hope you'll be there to support me.

I always make my third graders come up with one positive thing for every one negative thing they say about themselves- my list would be way too long- so I'll start with 5.

1. I am kind.
2. I truly and genuinely care about people.
3. I AM a good mother.
4. I am very creative.
5. I am very good at loving others.

I think it's time we all starting believing in ourselves a lot more and stop listening to that voice in our heads that fill us with doubt. I believe in you, I believe in us, and I believe in me.

Don't let fear or insecurity stop you from trying new things. Believe in yourself. Do what you love. And most importantly, be kind to others, even if you don't like them.

Stacy London

What the World Needs Now....

I don't sleep very well anymore- a combination of anxiety, baby monitors, and a brain that runs on repeat all night long. So, when I can't sleep, I think and I think and I think some more, and lately I've been thinking a lot about kindness and how sometimes I feel like I brought my child into a world that is lacking a lot of kindness and compassion. This worries me a lot and I lay in bed and hope that I raise a child that is kind, compassionate, and open-minded.  I constantly ask Ben, "Do you think Isaac will be a good kid, kind and loving, smart and fun, and happy?" He never hesitates when I ask this question. Our child may be ornery and up to no good 90% of the time, but he always says "Yes he will, because we will teach him and we will show him." Which always lead me to wonder, what about those who aren't taught these things or their role models are less than exemplary? I believe every child has a distinct personality from birth but their parents/guardians/role models help shape them into who they really are. However, I think we all have a problem- a judgment problem, a kindness problem, a think before you speak problem, and it starts at home.



Mom Wars are a legitimate thing- and they are hurtful and damaging- and so incredibly judgmental. Every now and again, I like to look at Ben's Facebook- not because I don't have my own but because we have different friends and sometimes his feed is so much more interesting than mine. But lately what I've been noticing, between my feed and his, is how cruel people can be. How people aren't taking the time to listen to others opinions- it's become a my way is the best way kind of world and there is no tolerance or understanding for other beliefs and opinions. There is no respecting others thoughts, people are ugly with each other, and that makes me sad.  People seem to think Social Media is an acceptable place to say whatever they want and with no worry- maybe it's because you don't have to look someone in the face when you are saying the awful things you say- but we have become a society with no filter. Another place this runs rampant is Mom Blogs. I'm a first time Mom, so naturally I have a lot of questions. Luckily I'm blessed with amazing family and friends to ask advice, questions, or if I just need a shoulder, but sometimes you've tried everything and you still need help so you turn to the Internet. I've been fortunate to stumble across some good blogs but let me tell you if the author expresses an opinion it'll go one of two ways- complete and total support or they will be ripped to shreds. It's awful. Breastfeeding vs. Bottle Feeding, To Vaccinate or Not to Vaccinate, Cloth Diapers vs. Store Diapers, and let's all hope if you post a picture of your children in Car Seats you've strapped them in perfectly because if you've made a mistake they'll tell you and not nicely (and yes please do tell me, but do it nicely, don't tell me I'm going to kill my child). The list goes on and on and there are people like me reading these blogs, as a first time mother, and feeling judged and scared and like the worst mother in the world. Words hurt, I tell my third graders this all the time, and they stick with you.



Here's my example of words sticking:



When Isaac was a week old we took him to his first doctors appointment and he had lost a whole pound. In the adult world that's nothing, but in a newborn it's not a good thing, and no matter how hard I tried we were struggling with getting Isaac to "latch." Our pediatrician, who is fantastic, suggested we supplement while we were waiting for my milk to come in and set up an appointment for us to meet with a Lactation Consultant.  The day we had our appointment was one of the lowest points for me- first you have to undress in front of a complete stranger and she's grabbing you and squeezing and shifting you and you're trying to juggle a baby, get the right latch, hold the baby at just the right angle so they can still breath but are comfortable, you're exhausted, and trying to hide the fact you're completely mortified.  She asked Ben and I about Isaac's temperament and I said, "He's very laid back and very content. He doesn't cry often and he likes to sleep. He's a good baby." Without skipping a beat she said to us, "Is he content, or is he weak?" That one sentence made me feel like the worst mother in the world. Like I didn't know my son well enough to know I was accidentally starving him to death and he was wasting away- and let me tell you it stuck with me every step of the way.  Do I think she was trying to make me feel this way- no- but she didn't stop to think about how I was feeling and how to use her words in a kinder more gentler way.  Isaac had incredibly bad acid reflux and we could never tell how much he was getting vs. how much he was spitting up- but for several weeks and a few more high-anxiety visits with the lactation consultant- I fought through breastfeeding because it's "what's best" and I didn't want to starve my child- but I cried every single day. After a lot of long conversations with Ben, I switched to exclusive pumping and bottle feeding, because at least we could know how much was going in and not worry every minute of the day that I was starving our child. But I was ashamed that I had to exclusively pump to feed my child and I avoided telling people just how we fed him. I made it nine and a half months pumping before I got really sick and my milk went away. I cried for weeks while weaning Isaac and switching him over to formula, feeling like a failure, because I didn't make it to a year because that's what you hear over and over and over again- breast is best. I felt like a failure when it came to feeding my child because of one sentence from a stranger.



But I would like to dare anyone to tell me I didn't bond with my baby because he was bottle fed, or that pumping and feeding isn't as beneficial as straight from me, or that formula wasn't good for my child because my child is living, thriving, incredibly smart, healthy, happy proof of the latter. I would never judge someone else for needing to do any of these things because I don't know their situation or their beliefs. It's incredibly selfish to think your way is the only way to do something.  But women all over the world, seem to think it's ok to tell me just that,  that I didn't bond with my child the way they did, or that pumping and feeding is not the same, and that my formula fed child won't be as healthy or as smart as their breast milk only child. Instead of tearing each other down, why aren't we supporting each other?



Vaccinations are another hot topic these days- and I'm not going to dive very deep into this subject- because either you do or you don't. There doesn't seem to be any middle ground on this issue- you believe or you don't. Ben and I asked a lot of questions, did a lot of research, spent a lot of time talking to Isaac's doctor, and we made an informed decision for OUR child. We didn't make a decision for your child, we made one for ours- the one we thought and still believe to this day was the best one for us- for him. Just because we vaccinated our child doesn't mean we think you have to vaccinate yours- you may have legitimate reasons for not- it's none of our business because just like us, you're making a decision that you think is best for your child. I am in no position to judge you or try to persuade you otherwise. What's not ok, is how people are talking to each other about this issue, how mean people are being to each other. You can have a difference of opinions and still be kind and open-minded, and maybe if we LISTENED we might learn something.



So if we're saying these things to people online, there's a good chance we're saying them out loud at home, in front of our children, who are like sponges, and repeat the things we do and say when they are away from us. If we're modeling judgment, cattiness, and being anything but kind- How can we expect our children to not do the same?  Perhaps, we all need to take a minute and reevaluate, to think before we speak.  I can only hope that I set a good example for my son, that he understands kindness and compassion, and knows when he is wrong and how to truly apologize.  Mostly I hope that Ben and I raise our son to listen to others, accept differences of opinions, and to be open-minded and loving.  This is the kind of man I want my son to be and one I will continue to strive to model for him through my actions, my words, and my beliefs.


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"Goodness is about character - integrity, honesty, kindness, generosity, moral courage, and the like. More than anything else, it is about how we treat other people." -Dennis Prager