Mom Wars are a legitimate thing- and they are hurtful and damaging- and so incredibly judgmental. Every now and again, I like to look at Ben's Facebook- not because I don't have my own but because we have different friends and sometimes his feed is so much more interesting than mine. But lately what I've been noticing, between my feed and his, is how cruel people can be. How people aren't taking the time to listen to others opinions- it's become a my way is the best way kind of world and there is no tolerance or understanding for other beliefs and opinions. There is no respecting others thoughts, people are ugly with each other, and that makes me sad. People seem to think Social Media is an acceptable place to say whatever they want and with no worry- maybe it's because you don't have to look someone in the face when you are saying the awful things you say- but we have become a society with no filter. Another place this runs rampant is Mom Blogs. I'm a first time Mom, so naturally I have a lot of questions. Luckily I'm blessed with amazing family and friends to ask advice, questions, or if I just need a shoulder, but sometimes you've tried everything and you still need help so you turn to the Internet. I've been fortunate to stumble across some good blogs but let me tell you if the author expresses an opinion it'll go one of two ways- complete and total support or they will be ripped to shreds. It's awful. Breastfeeding vs. Bottle Feeding, To Vaccinate or Not to Vaccinate, Cloth Diapers vs. Store Diapers, and let's all hope if you post a picture of your children in Car Seats you've strapped them in perfectly because if you've made a mistake they'll tell you and not nicely (and yes please do tell me, but do it nicely, don't tell me I'm going to kill my child). The list goes on and on and there are people like me reading these blogs, as a first time mother, and feeling judged and scared and like the worst mother in the world. Words hurt, I tell my third graders this all the time, and they stick with you.
Here's my example of words sticking:
When Isaac was a week old we took him to his first doctors appointment and he had lost a whole pound. In the adult world that's nothing, but in a newborn it's not a good thing, and no matter how hard I tried we were struggling with getting Isaac to "latch." Our pediatrician, who is fantastic, suggested we supplement while we were waiting for my milk to come in and set up an appointment for us to meet with a Lactation Consultant. The day we had our appointment was one of the lowest points for me- first you have to undress in front of a complete stranger and she's grabbing you and squeezing and shifting you and you're trying to juggle a baby, get the right latch, hold the baby at just the right angle so they can still breath but are comfortable, you're exhausted, and trying to hide the fact you're completely mortified. She asked Ben and I about Isaac's temperament and I said, "He's very laid back and very content. He doesn't cry often and he likes to sleep. He's a good baby." Without skipping a beat she said to us, "Is he content, or is he weak?" That one sentence made me feel like the worst mother in the world. Like I didn't know my son well enough to know I was accidentally starving him to death and he was wasting away- and let me tell you it stuck with me every step of the way. Do I think she was trying to make me feel this way- no- but she didn't stop to think about how I was feeling and how to use her words in a kinder more gentler way. Isaac had incredibly bad acid reflux and we could never tell how much he was getting vs. how much he was spitting up- but for several weeks and a few more high-anxiety visits with the lactation consultant- I fought through breastfeeding because it's "what's best" and I didn't want to starve my child- but I cried every single day. After a lot of long conversations with Ben, I switched to exclusive pumping and bottle feeding, because at least we could know how much was going in and not worry every minute of the day that I was starving our child. But I was ashamed that I had to exclusively pump to feed my child and I avoided telling people just how we fed him. I made it nine and a half months pumping before I got really sick and my milk went away. I cried for weeks while weaning Isaac and switching him over to formula, feeling like a failure, because I didn't make it to a year because that's what you hear over and over and over again- breast is best. I felt like a failure when it came to feeding my child because of one sentence from a stranger.
But I would like to dare anyone to tell me I didn't bond with my baby because he was bottle fed, or that pumping and feeding isn't as beneficial as straight from me, or that formula wasn't good for my child because my child is living, thriving, incredibly smart, healthy, happy proof of the latter. I would never judge someone else for needing to do any of these things because I don't know their situation or their beliefs. It's incredibly selfish to think your way is the only way to do something. But women all over the world, seem to think it's ok to tell me just that, that I didn't bond with my child the way they did, or that pumping and feeding is not the same, and that my formula fed child won't be as healthy or as smart as their breast milk only child. Instead of tearing each other down, why aren't we supporting each other?
Vaccinations are another hot topic these days- and I'm not going to dive very deep into this subject- because either you do or you don't. There doesn't seem to be any middle ground on this issue- you believe or you don't. Ben and I asked a lot of questions, did a lot of research, spent a lot of time talking to Isaac's doctor, and we made an informed decision for OUR child. We didn't make a decision for your child, we made one for ours- the one we thought and still believe to this day was the best one for us- for him. Just because we vaccinated our child doesn't mean we think you have to vaccinate yours- you may have legitimate reasons for not- it's none of our business because just like us, you're making a decision that you think is best for your child. I am in no position to judge you or try to persuade you otherwise. What's not ok, is how people are talking to each other about this issue, how mean people are being to each other. You can have a difference of opinions and still be kind and open-minded, and maybe if we LISTENED we might learn something.
So if we're saying these things to people online, there's a good chance we're saying them out loud at home, in front of our children, who are like sponges, and repeat the things we do and say when they are away from us. If we're modeling judgment, cattiness, and being anything but kind- How can we expect our children to not do the same? Perhaps, we all need to take a minute and reevaluate, to think before we speak. I can only hope that I set a good example for my son, that he understands kindness and compassion, and knows when he is wrong and how to truly apologize. Mostly I hope that Ben and I raise our son to listen to others, accept differences of opinions, and to be open-minded and loving. This is the kind of man I want my son to be and one I will continue to strive to model for him through my actions, my words, and my beliefs.
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"Goodness is about character - integrity, honesty, kindness, generosity, moral courage, and the like. More than anything else, it is about how we treat other people." -Dennis Prager
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