Believe

I have a secret- a big one- a little one- a silly one- one you might already know about me  but it's a secret nonetheless- the kind that eats at you, whispers haunting words to you, and keeps you up at night.

Are you ready for it...I am ashamed of how I look and how I feel about myself. I had a beautiful baby 16 months ago and there are days when I look in the mirror and I think to myself- you still look pregnant but in a gooey, stretched marked, blob-like way. I am ashamed of my body and I hate looking at myself. I carried a baby for 37 weeks- let him grow and stretch- into the boundless happy ball of energy he is today and he is so worth the stretch marks and the weight gain- and he fills my heart up again and again every day to the tipping point. No, I wouldn't give him up, or the 6 weeks of bedrest, or the dislocated hip during delivery, or the hard and emotional first pregnancy after a miscarriage- but if I could trade in my body for a newer sleeker model I would. In a heartbeat.

Every time I see a picture of myself or catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror I cringe. I stand in my closet every night and want to cry as I am picking clothes out for the next day- this tiny section is what fits- that large section over there- used to fit. I refuse to be in pictures with my kid because of how I look and if I do take a picture- I analyze and analyze and criticize until the unkind words in my head have done their damage- snaked their way through my brain and into my heart. Failure-Failure-Failure it seems to say and I believe every shattering beat of my heart. I have become the master at avoiding eye contact in the mirror and getting out of being in pictures.

I listened to countless women say the pounds will just fall off if you're breastfeeding or I ate whatever I wanted and still lost it all- and I waited and waited for that to happen but it didn't. You see all these celebrities that have a baby and the next week look like they've never been pregnant- breastfeeding they'll tell you. Maybe I didn't breastfeed right- I'll just add that to my list of failures- some people are just super lucky and have a body type that lends itself to snapping right back (boy I envy you). I wanted to be that girl- but I wasn't- I'm not- I'll never be that girl.

So now here I am ashamed of myself and the way I look. The self hate was getting atrocious- bad enough that even I had to stop and ask myself- is it too much? I never let my third graders talk to each other or about themselves in the way I was doing to myself. Why was it ok for me to say those things to myself about myself?

Maybe it's time we all started being a little more honest- I bet if I had millions of dollars, a personal chef, an on-call trainer I would have looked like I never carried a baby- and I wouldn't tell the world it was all due to breastfeeding because I think that breeds unrealistic expectations. I'd be honest- "Hey you know what, I had a lot of help. I had someone to watch my kid so I could work with a trainer everyday and this amazing chef preparing healthy meals for me. I didn't do it alone."  But I'm a working mom- that feels tremendous guilt that I take my kid to daycare so I can work 8 hours- and now I'm going to take 45 more minutes just to myself to go to the gym.  But that's an excuse too- isn't it? An easy way out from doing the work- a one way ticket to blob world. I could eat better, give up soda, and exercise more- I let my kid be my out- and I let the inner voices keep winding their way through me.

Until I had enough- until I decided I was worth it- until I decided that I believed in myself. I set goals, made a plan, joined a boot camp, found someone to help watch my kid, found a way to involve my kid, and I am actively trying to sooth, unwind, and silence that mean inner voice that whispers to me. You see, I don't want to look back one day, and realize I didn't take pictures with my husband or my son to help remember our life together. I want my son to understand positive body image and being in charge or your body and your inner dialogue. The change has to start with me. The change will start with me. I'm taking control this summer and regaining my self-confidence. But I'll need help, there will be days I want to quit, days when the whispers of my inner voice taunt and pull at me, and I hope you'll be there to support me.

I always make my third graders come up with one positive thing for every one negative thing they say about themselves- my list would be way too long- so I'll start with 5.

1. I am kind.
2. I truly and genuinely care about people.
3. I AM a good mother.
4. I am very creative.
5. I am very good at loving others.

I think it's time we all starting believing in ourselves a lot more and stop listening to that voice in our heads that fill us with doubt. I believe in you, I believe in us, and I believe in me.

Don't let fear or insecurity stop you from trying new things. Believe in yourself. Do what you love. And most importantly, be kind to others, even if you don't like them.

Stacy London

What the World Needs Now....

I don't sleep very well anymore- a combination of anxiety, baby monitors, and a brain that runs on repeat all night long. So, when I can't sleep, I think and I think and I think some more, and lately I've been thinking a lot about kindness and how sometimes I feel like I brought my child into a world that is lacking a lot of kindness and compassion. This worries me a lot and I lay in bed and hope that I raise a child that is kind, compassionate, and open-minded.  I constantly ask Ben, "Do you think Isaac will be a good kid, kind and loving, smart and fun, and happy?" He never hesitates when I ask this question. Our child may be ornery and up to no good 90% of the time, but he always says "Yes he will, because we will teach him and we will show him." Which always lead me to wonder, what about those who aren't taught these things or their role models are less than exemplary? I believe every child has a distinct personality from birth but their parents/guardians/role models help shape them into who they really are. However, I think we all have a problem- a judgment problem, a kindness problem, a think before you speak problem, and it starts at home.



Mom Wars are a legitimate thing- and they are hurtful and damaging- and so incredibly judgmental. Every now and again, I like to look at Ben's Facebook- not because I don't have my own but because we have different friends and sometimes his feed is so much more interesting than mine. But lately what I've been noticing, between my feed and his, is how cruel people can be. How people aren't taking the time to listen to others opinions- it's become a my way is the best way kind of world and there is no tolerance or understanding for other beliefs and opinions. There is no respecting others thoughts, people are ugly with each other, and that makes me sad.  People seem to think Social Media is an acceptable place to say whatever they want and with no worry- maybe it's because you don't have to look someone in the face when you are saying the awful things you say- but we have become a society with no filter. Another place this runs rampant is Mom Blogs. I'm a first time Mom, so naturally I have a lot of questions. Luckily I'm blessed with amazing family and friends to ask advice, questions, or if I just need a shoulder, but sometimes you've tried everything and you still need help so you turn to the Internet. I've been fortunate to stumble across some good blogs but let me tell you if the author expresses an opinion it'll go one of two ways- complete and total support or they will be ripped to shreds. It's awful. Breastfeeding vs. Bottle Feeding, To Vaccinate or Not to Vaccinate, Cloth Diapers vs. Store Diapers, and let's all hope if you post a picture of your children in Car Seats you've strapped them in perfectly because if you've made a mistake they'll tell you and not nicely (and yes please do tell me, but do it nicely, don't tell me I'm going to kill my child). The list goes on and on and there are people like me reading these blogs, as a first time mother, and feeling judged and scared and like the worst mother in the world. Words hurt, I tell my third graders this all the time, and they stick with you.



Here's my example of words sticking:



When Isaac was a week old we took him to his first doctors appointment and he had lost a whole pound. In the adult world that's nothing, but in a newborn it's not a good thing, and no matter how hard I tried we were struggling with getting Isaac to "latch." Our pediatrician, who is fantastic, suggested we supplement while we were waiting for my milk to come in and set up an appointment for us to meet with a Lactation Consultant.  The day we had our appointment was one of the lowest points for me- first you have to undress in front of a complete stranger and she's grabbing you and squeezing and shifting you and you're trying to juggle a baby, get the right latch, hold the baby at just the right angle so they can still breath but are comfortable, you're exhausted, and trying to hide the fact you're completely mortified.  She asked Ben and I about Isaac's temperament and I said, "He's very laid back and very content. He doesn't cry often and he likes to sleep. He's a good baby." Without skipping a beat she said to us, "Is he content, or is he weak?" That one sentence made me feel like the worst mother in the world. Like I didn't know my son well enough to know I was accidentally starving him to death and he was wasting away- and let me tell you it stuck with me every step of the way.  Do I think she was trying to make me feel this way- no- but she didn't stop to think about how I was feeling and how to use her words in a kinder more gentler way.  Isaac had incredibly bad acid reflux and we could never tell how much he was getting vs. how much he was spitting up- but for several weeks and a few more high-anxiety visits with the lactation consultant- I fought through breastfeeding because it's "what's best" and I didn't want to starve my child- but I cried every single day. After a lot of long conversations with Ben, I switched to exclusive pumping and bottle feeding, because at least we could know how much was going in and not worry every minute of the day that I was starving our child. But I was ashamed that I had to exclusively pump to feed my child and I avoided telling people just how we fed him. I made it nine and a half months pumping before I got really sick and my milk went away. I cried for weeks while weaning Isaac and switching him over to formula, feeling like a failure, because I didn't make it to a year because that's what you hear over and over and over again- breast is best. I felt like a failure when it came to feeding my child because of one sentence from a stranger.



But I would like to dare anyone to tell me I didn't bond with my baby because he was bottle fed, or that pumping and feeding isn't as beneficial as straight from me, or that formula wasn't good for my child because my child is living, thriving, incredibly smart, healthy, happy proof of the latter. I would never judge someone else for needing to do any of these things because I don't know their situation or their beliefs. It's incredibly selfish to think your way is the only way to do something.  But women all over the world, seem to think it's ok to tell me just that,  that I didn't bond with my child the way they did, or that pumping and feeding is not the same, and that my formula fed child won't be as healthy or as smart as their breast milk only child. Instead of tearing each other down, why aren't we supporting each other?



Vaccinations are another hot topic these days- and I'm not going to dive very deep into this subject- because either you do or you don't. There doesn't seem to be any middle ground on this issue- you believe or you don't. Ben and I asked a lot of questions, did a lot of research, spent a lot of time talking to Isaac's doctor, and we made an informed decision for OUR child. We didn't make a decision for your child, we made one for ours- the one we thought and still believe to this day was the best one for us- for him. Just because we vaccinated our child doesn't mean we think you have to vaccinate yours- you may have legitimate reasons for not- it's none of our business because just like us, you're making a decision that you think is best for your child. I am in no position to judge you or try to persuade you otherwise. What's not ok, is how people are talking to each other about this issue, how mean people are being to each other. You can have a difference of opinions and still be kind and open-minded, and maybe if we LISTENED we might learn something.



So if we're saying these things to people online, there's a good chance we're saying them out loud at home, in front of our children, who are like sponges, and repeat the things we do and say when they are away from us. If we're modeling judgment, cattiness, and being anything but kind- How can we expect our children to not do the same?  Perhaps, we all need to take a minute and reevaluate, to think before we speak.  I can only hope that I set a good example for my son, that he understands kindness and compassion, and knows when he is wrong and how to truly apologize.  Mostly I hope that Ben and I raise our son to listen to others, accept differences of opinions, and to be open-minded and loving.  This is the kind of man I want my son to be and one I will continue to strive to model for him through my actions, my words, and my beliefs.


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"Goodness is about character - integrity, honesty, kindness, generosity, moral courage, and the like. More than anything else, it is about how we treat other people." -Dennis Prager

Go Big...Or Go Home

There are times in your life when it feels like the days snake by- you get up, go to work, and come home just to start all over again the next day.  You don't deviate from your routine and you are content, sometimes bored, but mostly content because it makes sense, it follows a set pattern.  You laugh in the face of change- who needs change, your life is fine the way it is.

But fate  life has a way of intervening- of laughing at your routine, your schedule, your complacency.  You think you're comfortable now?  Just wait until you see what life has in store for you next.  This is the ebb and flow of life, sometimes it gentle, sometimes it fast, and sometimes it's rough but you learn to go with the flow and keep paddling.

This past year my life has been fast, so fast sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and think- Where did the day go, the weeks, the months?  I hope that time will slow down some and I can take a deep breath and truly appreciate all that I have been given and lost in the last year and a half.  What I do know is I have learned some valuable lessons along the way.  In the past year- I got married, we bought a house, we got a new car, we bought a new washer and dryer (this one really freaked me out- what an adult purchase- I cried all the way home.), and oh yeah there's that really big thing- we had a baby.  Our life motto became: Go Big or Go Home, we squeezed a lot of life into this year and I wouldn't change it for anything because the life lessons were too valuable to give up.

Here are some of the most valuable life lessons I have learned this year:

Life Lesson 1: Money is Money- either you can afford it or you can't and either you have it or you don't.  I've learned a lot about budgets, loans, joint checking accounts, and the insane cost of diapers but I've also learned that there are other things that money can't buy- love, companionship, friendship, and family.  There are things you can't afford, but you make sacrifices and you give up some of your fun money- you didn't really need to get a pedicure every month you just liked too.  With grown-up costs come the realization that you have enough to make it and be truly happy because you can provide for your family and that's really the point of it all isn't it?  It's no longer about wants it's about needs and boy do you need a LOT of diapers!

Life Lesson 2: Love and Loss- This might have been the most fulfilling and yet heartbreaking lesson I learned in the last year.  Life is a precarious thing- always on the cusp of rebirth or death.  Nothing can prepare you for the birth of a child and nothing can prepare you for the loss of a child.  Ben and I had a miscarriage before we were blessed with our beautiful baby boy.  Nothing can ever prepare you for the words, "I'm so sorry but this is not a viable pregnancy."  The words themselves are harsh and unfeeling because even if it wasn't a viable pregnancy- it was a baby to you from the moment you found out- this baby was living inside you and although it seemed impossible you loved them from the day you found out.  It's heartbreaking and you aren't sure how you're ever going to recover.  I just remember Ben saying to me over and over again that we were not going to let this define us, we weren't going to let it become who we were as individuals and as a couple and I clung to that until it got a little better a day at a time, until I felt like a whole person again.  I will never forget about that pregnancy- it will always be a part of who I am- but it didn't define me and it didn't define us as a couple.  We walked out of the grief together as a stronger and more loving unit and that was a gift for us.  From our loss we gained a deeper and more compassionate love.  A gift that I think made us better people and better together and I will always be grateful for that.

From our loss we gained love.  Isaac David Fehr was born on December 30th- he too, much like our motto, made a big entrance.  3 weeks early but happy and healthy and all we could ever ask for.  From Isaac, I have learned that love can have depths I never knew about.  It's amazing how instantly and completely you can love someone and how protective you are and how helpless they are.  There are days when looking at him fills my heart so full of love it hurts.  From my child, I learned what it means to love someone more than you love yourself.  I learned that there are people in this world you would give your own life for and be completely okay with that.

Most importantly I learned that love is the greatest thing in the world and if you are lucky to be loved, give love, and have love you are fortunate and so very blessed.

Life Lesson 3: Thank your Mom for giving birth to you and keeping you alive.  I never fully appreciated my mother until I became a mother.  Giving Birth is HARD- especially if you have an unplanned, we need to let the epidural run out, natural birth.  Ouch is all I can say and that ouch is what you did to your mother.  Call her today and tell her you love her, send her some flowers- it's a small thing but one that will make her day because seriously she pushed you out of a small hole- it HURTS and it traumatized her for a short period of time (side note- 3 months later and I'm still traumatized and pretty sure Isaac is going to be an only child.)  The first six weeks of your life are the hardest, most exhausting, and blurry for your parents.  You're lucky your mom or dad remembered to feed you and you're still alive- you should be eternally grateful.   Your parents brought you into this world and kept you alive- make them proud, be someone they will be proud to call their own.  Most importantly though: Thank your Mom.

Life Lesson 4: Learn to say you're sorry and mean it.  In the middle of the night when you're exhausted and haven't slept in what feels like years- you become a mean person.  You say things to each other that are not nice, you think things that are not nice, you do things that are not nice.  Own up to your mistakes and be the first to apologize.  The only person that gets what you're going through is the one that is going through it with you- don't alienate them- try to be kind to them and if you're not APOLOGIZE. 

Life Lesson 5: Always cover your babies "stuff" when you're changing his diaper- your baby will thank you, your walls will thank you, your clothes will thank you, your carpet will thank you,  and your growing laundry pile will thank you.  Enough Said.

Life Lesson 6: Life is Messy, Life is Hard, Life is Complicated, but Life is Good and I have everything I could ever want or need and I am happy- so happy it's ridiculous. In that happiness, I need to remember that it is not my place to brag or make others feel bad- but to be there for them in all their happiness and sadness.  The world does not and has never revolved around me.

Who knows what the next year will bring me.  I hope it slows down a little but I have learned so very much about myself and about life in the last year and I have become a better person because of it. 

Life is Good.  I am complete.  I am loved. 

GO BIG OR GO HOME.
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“Where there is love there is life.”
― Mahatma Gandhi

Resolutions

     For every life, for every person, there is hope, love, joy, sorrow, and the fear of the unknown all mixed up together with every breath you take.  You wake each morning ready to tackle a new day, a new start, and to face your life head on.  Sometimes you doubt your path, your decisions, but you always have hope in your heart.  All things are possible if you believe.

    The loss of life- it’s such a delicate subject- one that seems so prevalent in the world today.  Does one life mean more than another?  Does one loss of life weigh heavier than another?  These are not easy questions to answer or ones that you ever want to.

    If the world is teaching us anything right now it should be to look at the lives we are leading. Examine the choices that we are making that have brought us to this society where violence and death are becoming the norm.  Maybe instead of pointing fingers and arguing about things like gun control; we should be working on being kinder to one another and gentler to those in needs.  We need to stop and listen to what people are saying to us no matter their age.  We need to respect our elders and embrace our youth.  We need to teach our kids compassion, kindness, and respect.

     This Holiday Season, I wish for all of you love and compassion.  I hope that the New Year brings a kinder world; a world where we don’t have to fear for the safety of our children, our lives, and our future.  I hope that we will all resolve to make better, kinder, more loving choices.  I hope we value every life.  That we embrace all that life has to offer and we celebrate every breath we take.  I hope we choose to spotlight the good in life and not the bad.  After all- all things are possible if you believe.  I choose to believe in a better world.  How about you?

“Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it’s the middle that counts the most.  Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning.  Just give hope a chance to float up.  And it will too…”

-Hope Floats

Skipping Rocks...

“WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING, LOVE YOURSELF FOR DOING IT.  WHATEVER YOU ARE FEELING, LOVE YOURSELF FOR FEELING IT.” ~Thaddeus Golas

When you are little you see the world as black and white~ you knew what was right and what was wrong because you were told by your parents, your friends, your family, and your teachers.  You didn't question it because it was what you knew; it was how you were raised.  You loved fiercely with all your heart but you lived and made your decision based upon the rules of society- the ones bestowed upon you by your elders, people that were wiser than you, people that made mistakes and choices in their lives that they try and shelter you from making. But the older you get, the more your heart seizes control and slowly, even if you know better, you make choices based solely on your heart and you live for the moment regardless of the consequences of your actions.  But the world, YOU, cannot function live on decisions of the heart, for that would be a life of ups and downs, it would tumultuous, thrilling, and devastating all in the same breath.  Because of this, we circle back to making decisions based on what the mind knows and not what the heart wants, we do it to protect ourselves from getting hurt, feeling scared, and to avoid the unknown.

The mind and the heart are two entirely different entities that co-exist in you; one of these demands reason, explanations, and answers.  While the other sees beyond black and white and travels into the murkiness of those shades of gray that the mind wants to bat aside like a pesky fly.  Physically, the mind/the brain cannot function without the heart.  Emotionally, the heart can function with or without the mind, as the mind can function independently of the heart.  But often what you end up with, in either situation, is a person with or without compassion, thought, and understanding.

So how does one achieve the perfect mix of heart and mind?

We have become such a "me" society.  The world no longer revolves around others, it revolves around you.  How dare someone or something put a hitch in your life, making  forcing you to think about things, change your ways, and re-adapt.  We are creatures of habits, we like things to stay the same, and when they don't we become frustrated and annoyed.

I am a creature of habit, I like things to stay the same, and if they aren't going to stay the same I need to know ahead of time.  I am a planner; I am not/have not ever been a spur of the moment kind of girl.  It throws me for a loop when my schedule/my day has to be altered unexpectedly.  There are times, especially when it comes to habit, that I think with my mind and not my heart.  A schedule is black and white, it shouldn't change; it is straightforward and easy to understand.  

But your life, your feelings, cannot be scheduled and they can be altered by a glance, by a word, or by an experience and these are not things that you can plan ahead for, one cannot control what the heart feels and one should not try to.  Life is about feeling and compassion, giving to others, and loving the person that you are and the person you are becoming.  While I am a creature of habit, I feel and think with my heart more often than my mind, I worry about others, put others before myself, and would give anything to make the people around me feel safe and secure.  I would do anything to allow for others to have a safe place to land, a comforting shoulder to lean on, and a place to call home when they cannot find their own.  I wear my heart on my sleeve, and while sometimes I wish this was not the case, I would have it no other way for my heart longs for others to be happy and fulfilled and in this way my heart is fulfilled.

One is often reminded of bravery and kindness and open hearts that have not yet been jaded or scarred by living, that still dare to hope, to love, and to take chances on the first day of school.  As you watch the sweet faces of your kids walk into your classroom, some brand new with no friends, you can see it in their eyes; the fear of the unknown and yet they do it with a tentative smile and a trembling hand.  They forge ahead, determined to make new friends and to find their place in their ready to bloom and widely expanding world, because they know that friends can and will be made and they will find their way because that is the way of the world, it is black and white to them, they know no other way.  As adults, we can learn so much from these little souls.  When we get older, instead of forging ahead, we get stuck in our routines, our safety nets, and no amount of persuasion can convince you to change what you find comfortable.  So, often times, we exist in a world where we don't fill fulfilled because it is the easy thing to do, but usually not the right thing to do.  We have become a society that finds it easier to live with decisions of the mind and not of the heart.  Stories of others showing compassion are newsworthy and awe inspiring.  But shouldn't we live in a world where compassion is common, expected, and shown daily?

Is there a perfect combination of mind and heart?  I like to think there is not...for sometimes one must make decisions not of the heart but of the mind, because the heart can be fickle and we need to be wise enough to know that the heart can sometimes lead us astray, take us off a path and onto another we were not intended to take.  But there are times, where we need to think with our hearts and give to others all the love and compassion that we have within us, without the fear of the consequences to ourselves.  Sometimes the path we did not choose for ourselves is the path that we are actually intended to travel.

I believe that we need to take a long hard look at our society and although it scares us, we need to delve into the shades of gray~ explore the multitudes of color in our lives~ and one cannot do this with the mind alone it must also be done with the heart.  We need to acknowledge the black and white of the world and respect it, for our world would not work without it, but that does not mean we should retreat behind the comfort and ease of habit and live life based on the rules that have been established by others. 

I hope that I can continue to live my life with my heart open and giving as much as I can to others but I refuse to ignore what my mind has to offer, to give to others and to myself.  For I feel that my heart and my mind together are a powerful force that should function together and not alone. 

I vow to make compassion and thinking of others even more a part of my daily life.  I will throw a pebble into the pond of life and make as many heartfelt ripples that I can in the lives of others.  Will you open your heart a little more and expand the colors of your mind and skip a few rocks with me on the pond of life? 

“Run your fingers through my soul.  For once, just once, feel exactly what I feel, believe what I believe, perceive as I perceive, look, experience, examine, and for once; just once, understand.” ~Alice Hoffman

Moments...

Life is made up of moments.  Moments that take your breath away, moments that leave you frustrated and confused, moments that can change your life in a blink of an eye, and moments that change you into an entirely different person.  So than why is it that most of the time we fail to recognize a moment as it is happening?  It only occurs to us as we are floundering in the wake of a moment, that something has happened to us, something has shifted the world a little to the right, and is causing us to reassess and reconfirm all that we think we know and think we need.

Every time you turn around these days, there is a report on the news of a devastating tragedy.  It causes you to stop and take notice of the world around you for a brief moment in time, but it's not your tragedy, so you tuck the horror and grief away and move on with your world, because the reality is, it didn't happen to you and you are knee deep in your own life treading water.  In the back of your mind though, you hear the echo of a thought: How long before it could happen to you?  You try to ignore it but this much is certain...you know all things in life are a possibility and maybe you could be doing more to help others around you.

A moment is all someone needs to know you care; that you love them, and that their place in this world is being acknowledge and validated.  A hug, a kind word, a smile, taking the time to actually listen to what someone is saying to you...all these things can turn someone’s bad moment into a great one.

This weekend, I experienced a moment, and I had the clarity to realize, as it was happening, that this was a big deal.  I turned 30, gasp!  I spent the entire weekend surrounded by people I love, people that love me, and I knew in that moment that I was the luckiest girl in the world.  I have this amazing group of people around me that want nothing more than for me to be completely and utterly happy and they would move mountains to make it happen.  What did I do to deserve such wonderful people in my life?  I will never know for sure but I will forever be grateful.  What I do know is that I cannot take it for granted, I need to take the time to show my gratitude, love, and support to my family and my friends because these are the moments that I will remember and that they will remember for the rest of their lives.

Moments, good or bad, define whom we are solely on how we chose to approach them, deal with them, accept them, and help someone through them.  What will you chose to do with your moments?  How will you help others get through their moments?

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." Martin Luther King Jr.

Endings and Beginnings...

May is, for many, a month of endings heaped full of the anticipation of fresh starts and new beginnings.  All things in this world have a natural beginning and end, it is the cycle of life, and we are all in-tune to it, some more in-tune than others.  And yet, when we stumble upon the end of something we are often left confused, scared, and wondering what our future will hold and how we will manage.

May for me is a month of endings...The school year, that at times seems to fly by and at other times creeps forward centimeter by centimeter, is winding to a close and I often find myself wondering: "What does the future hold for my kiddoes?"  I've spent months helping to shape and educate these kids, whom already possess such proud and keenly developed personalities,  into who they will be when they grow up, although I am whole-heartedly aware that I will only impact just a sliver of their futures.  I want to shout at them "YOU are somebody, I will always believe in you, and I will always be here for you."  These kids will move on in life, but they will always occupy a corner of my heart, for they continue to shape me into the person that I am and the person that I am destined to be.  Yet, the ache of letting them go and not being able to protect them and guide them is a hard one because I have grown to love these kids, quirks and all, and my worry for them is fresh and pulsating underneath my skin and in my heart.

I have spent an amazing few months with my incredible Student Intern.  She has taught me more than she will ever know.  She is the kindest, most caring, and most grounded in faith person I have ever met.  Our ending this week will be a bittersweet one.  She is ready graduate, to go out into the world, find her place, and change the world.  There is not a doubt in my heart that she WILL change the world one child at a time.  When you have a hand in being someones mentor their hopes become your hopes, their dreams become your dreams, and you feel their excitements and their disappointments just as sharply as they do.  All I want in this world is for her to have all her dreams in life come true.  She will be an amazing educator but she is an even more amazing person and it has been truly an honor to work with her and learn from her everyday. 

As hard as the endings are there is always the bright promise of a new beginning.  With the ending of a school year comes the promise of long, hot, lazy summer days spent by the pool, catching up with friends, and spending much needed time with your families.  You are given time to reflect, learn, sometimes regroup, and figure out a better more exciting game plan for your new beginning.  You slowly become more confident in who you are, more settled into your skin, and you know you will be ok, more often than not, though, it takes an ending to figure that out.   

May is my month of endings but the anticipation of my new beginnings has me on the edge of my seat...I can't wait to see what is to come, despite of what I have to endure to get to them.  What will you do with your new beginnings? 

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"I wanted a perfect ending...
 Now, I've learned the hard way that some poems
 don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear
 beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing,
 having to change, taking the moment and
 making the best of it,
 without knowing what's going to happen next.
 Delicious ambiguity."Gilda Radner